balance is necessary but rarely a reality

Like a bowl of cherries?
6:25 p.m., 2004-01-05

I am back in Abilene. *sigh* I love my life. I love my friends. I love my family.

Sure I might wish I lived somewhere else...but if I were ANYWHERE else I would not be able to pay towards my car and debt. Once that is paid off I can go backpacking in Europe for a couple weeks. :)

And you know what? This is YOUR LIFE! It is what you make it. If you don't enjoy it, you end up wasting years being miserable and waiting for "tomorrow".

Why is this such a hard concept? Take joy in the little things, the small pleasures in life, and you'll be happy or at least content while working to make your life different and/or better. Seriously, I've yet to meet the person who is completely satisfied with their life. If you're not satified, do something about it. But don't forget to enjoy the moments and people near you now.

Boy I sound like my mom!

I hope everyone's holidays were swell.

i want snow!
8:16 p.m., 2003-12-10

I want to go snowboarding for a couple of days in New Mexico (cheaper and closer). Anyone want to go with me????!!!!

i have no use for the faint of heart.
3:39 p.m., 2003-12-05

i have concluded. fear comes into play in everyones life whether we want to let it or not. so we must either use and overcome it, or be trampled by it. i hope to use it to better my life and myself to build a better future. even if it takes cautious baby steps.

thanksgiving thanksgivings
10:24 a.m., 2003-12-01

hey folks

i hope everyone's holiday was all they hoped it would be. mine was great! my sister's family came to dallas and we all ate lots of good food. i played rook with my nephews and EVERYONE played boggle together. this was so much fun because we were all talking smack to each other. my brother-in-law is so competitive that he writes down words that aren't words and then insists that we look up every single one to make sure it isn't a word. but there was lots of laughing and stories from all. :) then at 10Pm i went to go see time line with brandon. this was not as a good of a movie as i had hoped. but it was still okay and it was only $4.00.

friday i went to a mennonite fair. that was kind of neat. i got to see how stuff was made from scratch and ate home-made toffee. i understand i guess why they would want to live that way, but to me it just seems like a waste of time and energy that could be devoted elsewhere. brandon said i should snare young mennonite male. hehe i don't think one would want me. he'd probably expect me to sew his clothes and work in the field.

to wrap up...the whole weekend i got to spend time with my mother and never got in one bickering moment. i didn't get to see many friends liked i'd planned, but it was still a good week.

just for fun
10:29 a.m., 2003-11-19

ooooo.....i almost forgot!

i got the Two Towers extended version yesterday! it is great!

i'm soooo excited!

the past vs the present
10:06 a.m., 2003-11-19

okay..so i was thinking about my first boyfriend ever this morning. and i laughed because when he remembers me...he is probably remembering someone that wasn't really me and who definitely isn't me now.

i'm different now. better. i don't analyze everything any more and i am confident in who i am. i like me. i know i could be a lot better and knowing that i strive to be a better person but that does not mean that i do not like me.

and i laughed because he not only lost the person i was but the person i became. poor fool. he has no idea what he missed out on. but if he had stuck around i would not be who i am today. and the person i am today would have kicked him to the curb.

i don't know who i feel more sorry for...him or his wife. they are both freakin' crazy. when i graduated college(may '02)she sent a three page letter to me because i sent his parents a graduation announcement. she thought that it meant that i still had "feelings" for andrew. poor slob. it doesn't even occur to her that the whole mess 4 and half years ago made the thought of him distastful and i haven't thought of him since. really. can you be more insecure. she'd been married to him for two years by that time! good grief.

well i'm sure as hell glad all that is long gone. not that i regret the whole thing. just the last part of the relationship and the whole horrible, disgusting, degrading aftermath.

*sigh*

life is good.

endless sea of tomorrows
8:13 p.m., 2003-10-28

so I read a study today. it said that post college age is the second highest age for depression. it didn't say what the first was. i can see that. after college your purpose changes. before all you had to do was work towards graduation. and then... *pow* welcome to the rest of your life. so i work and i enjoy my job and it gives me a temporary purpose. it kind of seems endless though. there is no date to work towards and all my tomorrows flow together to look the same. i am all i have now and i am the only person to depend on. so what happens tomorrow is all up to me. and what do i want to happen tomorrow? that is the problem at hand. i want to leave abilene and start a new life somewhere. but i don't know where (so many choices) and i don't know what i would want to do once i got there (so few choices). i have another year to decide. that's the deadline i've set for myseft. by August 2004 i will have a plan.

joy in a bottle
4:44 p.m., 2003-10-24

today was a good day. i got work done. i got further seems forever tickets. and it is bright and sunny outside. i love those truely wonderful days when nothing in particular made them wonderful! i think i'll go play with my dog.

work sucks
4:06 p.m., 2003-10-20

okay...so my first three entries are gone..disappeared. thats really weird. when i click on older entries they appear to me there when i try to open one they all say the same thing as my latest one. that kinda sucks cause i wanted to go back and see what i wrote. moving on: i've become really lazy. i mean i was always lazy but lately i've been really really lazy. i just hate having to take my work home with me. i am always worrying about my clients and making lists in my head of the things i need to do to help them. i wish i could just go to work. do my job and leave, leaving it there. don't get wrong. i like my job. there will always be something to complain about. but i do really like my job.

why can't i just let this go.
11:35 a.m., 2003-10-17

so i can't let it go for long. i can ignore it for a week or two but then it just comes back. our friendship has been the kind to not talk for weeks but i always felt at home when i saw you and you always made me feel still...i don't know if that makes sense to you. you were a smile to me. you know the kind of smile you feel on the inside. and i always regretted not knowing you more and seeing you more. there are few friends who i know i want to keep forever. you were one of them. i want you to read this. i want you to know how much it hurts me to know that you no longer want to be my friend. i want you to care. but you don't. they say you hate me now. i pissed you off and i am to blame with no exuses. i didn't take the time to find out that you liked her. i was just mad at the world and at her that week. but you won't even tell me your mad so i can say i'm sorry.

wet feet
10:43 a.m., 2003-10-17

okay..so i've developed this nasty habit of not working...it started out innocent enough. just an hour on the internet..no big deal..after all they took away my free lunch break and now have to pay for it with my comp hours or stay late. however, the laziness seems to have taken over an lately i barely get 2-3 hours of actual work done while i'm at work. i'm sooo going to get fired! *sigh* and i really need my job. i have kick my butt into gear..dang stupid lazy butt. on another note...i seem to have lost control of my days again. every now and again my hours and days become fuzzy and i kind of float through life, allowing my self to go in any direction without thought or purpose to my day. i hate that. i have purpose to my life if i just stand to my feet and not go which ever way the tide turns. come to think of it maybe that's why i've been lazy at work too. i just have to stand to my feet.

fickle friends
12:01 p.m., 2003-10-10

so friendships die without a word. how can i let such a long time friend just fade away? why do people have to be so fickle. i thought true friends stuck by through thick or thin. that being said, i'll try once more to keep his friendship.

something new to vent
5:52 p.m., 2003-10-07

so..here i am. doing the very thing i always thought foolish..

the online diary thing. who would have thought?

this place...where i know so many people, but they'll probably never know it's me.

last night was a horror...did my friend really mean to try suicide? too much to drink and the world comes caving in. too much to bear. i've been there and pulled through. i know you will too. in the mean time- i feel your pain...not because i've been through what you're going through but because i see it in your eyes and hear the agony in your voice.